About two years after the birth of our first son, Rick and I were excited to learn we were pregnant with another baby. I was nearing the 11th week of pregnancy when I had my first ultrasound. When the radiology tech started the ultrasound she quickly said, “This baby isn’t 11 weeks old.” I didn’t know what she meant by that and was about to ask when she said, “This baby has no heartbeat.” That’s the point where I stopped breathing.
Everything sounded muffled and every movement was in slow motion. The radiology tech quickly went and got the doctor who had her move me to a private room. Rick and our 2 year old son, Luke, sat outside the room in case the doctor wanted to do an exam. After what seemed like hours the doctor came in and said, "I've been looking at the calendar dates and trying to figure out any way that this baby is okay and we've just missed the date. But I don't believe that's what I'm seeing. I believe you've had what we call a missed miscarriage. If you hear nothing else I say today hear me when I say this...this isn't your fault. You couldn't have done anything to prevent this from happening." She then suggested that for the next couple of weeks we would run hormone tests to make certain that the baby had died. So for two weeks we did blood work and ultrasounds. All tests showed no heart beat and the HCG pregnancy hormones were dropping from where the baby had died. Those two weeks were gut wrenching for both of us. We knew what was to come but we clung to hope.
Rick and I may have never met our baby face to face but we suffered just the same. We learned that 80% of miscarriages occur during the first trimester and that 15 to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriages. Those were scary statistics especially when we knew we wanted more babies. Foggy days followed me with frequent doctors appointments to check hormone levels and information on when we could try for another baby. A year after the miscarriage we found out we were once again going to have another baby. We were very excited but scared too.
An Ectopic Pregnancy
A few weeks after finding out I was pregnant I started bleeding and had pains that were so severe that I remember screaming out in pain. It felt as though I had swallowed glass and the glass was cutting me up inside. I remember laying down and trying to sleep and Rick occasionally asking me if I needed to go to the ER. I finally got on my hands and knees and rocked back and forth against the side of the bed hoping to ease the pain but nothing helped. So Rick got dressed and drove me to the hospital. I remember by that point I couldn’t stand up straight. I also remember screaming in pain on the way to the hospital. Rick dropped me at the door of the ER while he went to park the car. I got out of the car and crawled inside the building. I was put in a room quickly and a doctor came to examine me. He was convinced I was having a miscarriage again but I didn’t believe that a miscarriage would be this painful. My first miscarriage certainly wasn't.
The doctor ordered an ultrasound and the radiology tech immediately called for several other techs and the radiologist to look at what he saw. The radiologist came into the room and said “Mrs. Wagner, I’m 97% sure you have an ectopic pregnancy but this is not my call.” In a fog I remember asking what an ectopic pregnancy was and being told that the embryo had implanted in the fallopian tube rather than the uterus. Early in pregnancy the embryo can’t be seen on an ultrasound but the radiologist could see blood in the fallopian tube and believed this to be an ectopic pregnancy. But the doctor still believed it to be a miscarriage.
So radiology techs wheeled me back to an ER room and I waited for the doctor to come in and tell me that they were admitting me into the hospital. For two days I lay in a hospital bed where the doctors were convinced I was having another miscarriage. Finally because I was in so much pain the doctor elected to do exploratory surgery. I begged Rick to not let them under any circumstances do a hysterectomy. I also begged the doctor not to do a D&C just in case there was a baby that could survive. The doctor agreed. Once the surgery was over we learned that I had had an ectopic pregnancy and was bleeding internally. Microsurgery was done on the right fallopian tube where the embryo had implanted and I had already lost the baby. The doctor believed she had repaired the fallopian tube and two days later I was sent home but told that hormone levels had to be watched closely.
I saw my regular OB/GYN on the following Monday after being released from the hospital. As I sat on the examining table in my hospital gown waiting for the doctor to come into the room I just felt numb. Then the doctor came into the room with a big smile on her face and said, “Well I hear you had a fun weekend!” I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. Fun! Losing a baby is not fun and why would anyone say such a thing to a mother who is already suffering that loss? My doctor realized quickly her mistake and her smile disappeared and she became very serious about everything that had happened to me. She explained that we would have to watch the pregnancy hormones (HCG) fall and do weekly checkups to make certain I was getting better. I left her office and went to the lab and started the long process of watching my pregnancy hormone lower to the normal post pregnancy level.
The next day I was in so much pain that I just couldn’t stand up. I was crying uncontrollably from the pain. So I called the doctor’s office and instead of making me leave her a message they put her on the phone immediately. She told me that the lab work had shown that the hormone levels were not dropping like they should. The doctor had me come into her office that afternoon and they started a chemotherapy injection called Methotrexate. I received over the next several months multiple methotrexate shots to help avoid having to have another surgery to remove the remaining tissue and the damaged fallopian tube. The Methotrexate dosages were so large that I was very nauseous and fatigued.
Perseverance, Hope and Joy
Over the course of several months I was in and out of the hospital. At one of the last hospitalization I remember being in so much pain that I quietly cried in my hospital bed. A nurse was in my room late one night and I told her that I was scared that I would never have another baby after all the damage that the ectopic pregnancy had done to my body. She smiled and said, “I was told years ago that I would never have a baby. So my husband and I were shocked when I became pregnant. Don’t let anyone tell you that it will never happen. God is the one calling the shots not us.” Strangely those simple words lifted my spirit. I went home a few days later and slowly began to recover physically and emotionally.
Our pastor at the time was a wonderfully, soft spoken, humble man who sent me a long list of Bible verses to focus on through my discouragement and loss. These verses encouraged me….forced me to think about how God might be growing me or how God might use me to help someone else going through the loss of a baby or just a lot of health issues.
- 1 Peter 5:10 (NIV) “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
- James 1:12 (NIV) - “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
- James 1:2-4 (NIV) - “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
- Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV) - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
- Romans 5:3-4 (NIV) - “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
- Romans 8:18 (NIV) - “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
- Romans 8:28 (NIV) - “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
- Psalm 34:17-18 (NIV) - “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
God's Handprint
Losing babies changed me forever. Until then I had never experienced a loss so great. I had lost family members but they had lived long fulfilling lives...not like these babies. Many people reached out to me during some of the darkest days. While others hid for fear of not knowing what to say or just not realizing how great a loss I had experienced. These two devastating losses helped me realize that I see God's handprint the most in my life in times of trouble. Maybe because I seek HIM more during those times or maybe because I'm paying more attention during those times. Whatever the reason I'm thankful that HE is always there good or bad days. During the loss I learned two important lessons about losing a baby:
- Parents don’t need to hear anything other than “I’m so sorry” when they lose a baby. Far too many people think they are going to speak God’s words into grieving parents and the truth is let God comfort them through your prayers not your words. If you want to show them that you care send a card saying only you are sorry and praying for them along with a restaurant gift card.
- We live in a broken world where bad things happen to both good and bad people. The only time when we will live in a perfect world is when we live in Heaven.
As the years rolled by Rick and I were eventually blessed with two more children. When people would ask during my pregnancy if I cared what I was having a boy or girl I would always say, "No. I just want a healthy baby."
We decided to go with Schrader Homes as our builder. So we met with Alan Schrader and he had us create our wish list for our dream house. I think I worked for two straight weeks on every detail I could think of for our wish list. Then we sent that list to the builder and he made a first draft of a contract for our dream house. Since we didn't have a house plan Alan suggested we meet with Andra Felton, who draws up house plans. We went through every room on the inside and even how we wanted the outside of the house to look. Andra had the first draft of our dream home ready for our review about two weeks later. After countless numbers of changes we finally got the house plan finished and were ready to see how much our dream was going to cost us. 
